Letters for Christmas!

Dear Rob Zombie,  

 

      It's too bad people can't get rich by being completely talentless.  Oh, wait, nevermind; I guess they actually can.  

 

Sincerely, Matt B.

Computer Room in Shiloh

She looks like she took a bus to the face. And not just any bus. It was a rusty, flaming bus of death.
- Zack H

Roto-Router

While talking to my father about his upcoming appointment with the proctologists.

Me: "Why do they have to use conscious sedation on you for that"
Dad: "Their sticking 20 feet of shit up your ass, I'm sure it's a little uncomfortable"
Me: "I guess that makes sense, I've never had 20 feet of shit stuck up my ass."
Dad: "WELL ME NEITHER!"

Timmies!

Your eyes say no, but your nipples say yes.
- Jason M

Adventures in kitchen remodeling

You ever play operation?
 - Yeah, but, why?
You see that wire? It's live, and if it touches the metal, we're screwed.

- Josh G.

work work

Hey, since I've been eating your nuts all morning, you want some of my meat?
 - Ninjatech

Things overheard at Thanksgiving

I like it wet. I like it chunky. I like it when you have to dig it out with a spoon. That's how my mother liked it and that's how I like it.
- Marsupial's mom

It's for texture! You stick it in your mouth, and it feels good!!
- Marsupial's dad

Gingham's after Timothy's

Now you're loaning my girlfriend's tire iron.

His half and half ended up in my mouth.

...you see, the real Christopher Walken is gradually catching up to me.

Pretty soon... oh yes. Pretty soon.

Aquarial Intercourse?

Fun with tounge twisters!

How much fish could a fish fuck fish if a fish fuck could fist fuck fish? If a fish fist fuck could fuck fish sticks in the fucked fish tank, why haven't fist fucked fish sticks lost yet?

If a harpsichord found ze cord, could ze harpsichord wrap ze chord around ze piano wire?

Dave:



me: You have too many Pylons...
in your butt...

Dave: NeveR!

oh wait...

me: ReveN?

Dave: more?

me: NO!!! NO MORE BUTT PYLONS!!!!

Dave: Never more?

me: Damit Dave....
Stop Pyling On
...your butt...

Dave: more cannon!!!!!!

the whole fucking map must be covered in cannon!

me: Wait, you want to replace maps with generally accepted lines of fiction pertaining to a particular universe?
How will we ever find the Quickie Mart?
Unless it's Simpsons cannon...

Dave: A chicken for every pot and a Cannon for every butt!

me: GOD dammit Dave...

NOT MY QUOTE

"Is there a sale on fail today?"
- KITTEN-FUCKING-SLAYER (THERE!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW?!?!?! HUH?!?!?HUH?!?!?!HUHUHUH?!?!?!?!?!)

The truth of the matter is, the moose just won’t be the same anymore.

You only have to worry if he says, "Close your eyes. I've got something else for you to lick."
- Ninjatech

Don't spit on my lips, Bill. I don't want Leigh to taste you later.

- Kitten Slayer

More fun overheard at work

God damn internet thieves!
They keep stealing stuff outta my New Egg cart!
 - It didn't save the order either.
FUUUUUCK!!! Now they stole the whole fucking cart!!!!

I thought of this yesterday, and should have posted it then, but...

TODAY IS ANGRY NEGATIVE GERMAN DAY!!!!
"NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!"

Dammit, Bill

Don't put EZ Cheez on your Nutter Butters.

-Me

Damit! Your freaky ice cubes won't come out!
- Jim M

I like a woman who doesn't mind her drives being black.
- Jim M.

"Not the sharp end! Not the sharp end!"

That tape gun might poke you a little bit, but it's not that sharp. Not like the good one. With the good one, you can breathe on it and it'll slice your eyeball open.

Tha Nu Waive of Reeding Comiks

So there's only a cover and one page so far, but Penny Arcade's new one-off Tekken comic they've just began working on is being presented in a really freaking cool Flash comic book reader app. It's seamless. Grab that corner and keep the left mouse button held down and throw the page around. There's even shadow over the other pages.
http://www.tekken.com/comic

Overheard at a bar

"You're a Cancer, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I tend to grow on people..."

My one legged neighbor had a white Corvette.
- Was it a stick?

"If it's not sunny and 72 degrees outside, I'm probably pissed off."
- Pat S.

Transformers 2 is fucking cool, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Most carbon-based lifeforms are by now aware that the second theatrical release in the Transformers franchise is now showing. The majority of reactions I have heard/read in response to it have been overwhelmingly negative. To quote one of my friends, for example:

"If the first Transformers was Stan Bush, than the second is Dirk Diggler."

The following is my official review of Transformers 2: Reign Of The Phallus, or whatever the fuck it's called. It doesn't really matter. Everything about the movie, including the title, "plot", and characters, is just an excuse to show alien robots fighting. Please read on:


Dude. Seriously. What the fuck was everyone expecting from this movie? A complex, multifaceted plot with Shakespearean dialogue?

IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT A CARTOON AND TOY LINE FROM THE 1980s THAT FEATURED GIANT ROBOTS FROM SPACE THAT TURNED INTO CARS AND PLANES.

That's it! It's not a terribly involved premise. That's what this movie is about, and that's what we got. Two and a half hours of giant robots kicking the holy shit out of each other, with badass special effects and multiple shots of Megan Fox running in slow motion. The only type of people who aren't thoroughly entertained by this are limp-wristed pussies who sustain on a diet of soy lattes, drive a Toyota Prius, and sit around watching IFC all day.

IT IS AWESOME WHEN GIANT ROBOTS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. That's why Transformers 2 is fucking cool, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

Toilet Texting

Please enjoy the following conversation that took place via text between myself and my buddy Scott, earlier this evening.

Scott (7:22 PM): I'm pooping while watching TV.
Me (7:22 PM): Hahahahahhaha I just got done pooping.
Scott (7:23 PM): Our bowels are in sync! We're true friends!
Me (7:25 PM): One day, mankind shall be united by their bowels; brothers in pooping. That is my dream.
Scott (7:27 PM): Your gods! You are truly a visionary!
Me (7:29 PM): THE SYMPHONY OF BILLIONS POOPING IN UNISON SHALL RING OUT AS THE UNIVERSAL SONG OF MAN! HAIL ODIN!
Scott (7:31 PM): And while everyone is busy pooping we take all their stuff!
Me (7:32 PM): Exactly.

Crack Babies and Counter-Strike Babies

I present you a real article on somethingawful.com from 2001 with the above title:
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/crack-babies-counterstrike.php

Excerpts:
"As it turns out, nothing ever happened with these so-called crack babies. They didn't turn into a group of bloodthirsty serial killers bent on implementing their brutal reign of terror. They just grew up to be regular kids, albeit ones with much smaller heads and parents who spent all day scratching their eyes out with roofing nails."

"The process of growing up and supposedly "maturing" in a Counter-Strike environment has been scientifically proven to damage children's brain cells and developmental qualities."

-{CB}Spork, KittenSlayer, DethMetulPaul

FUCK TWITTER

Those are currently the two greatest CB Words of Wisdom.

Fuck Twitter. Fuck this self-serving, blowhart crap. Fuck all of these people who feel it neccessary to "micro-blog" about every mundane, god-damned incident and feeling in their lives like it's a fucking special event. Who the hell even reads this crap?

Also, fuck the celebutard universe and spam monkeys that have taken it over.

I joined Twitter about a month ago on an invite from Gabe. Cool, whatever, I've heard of it, why not? I added about four or five other people that I know, as well as Wierd Al's feed and Glen Beck (I think)

I've looked at it maybe four or five times since and seen PILES OF CRAP from the people that I know. Wierd Al at least just occasionaly posts links to new videos or progress on projects that fan might actualy find interesting. AND it opened the door to indirect spam! I get at least one notification a day of someone following me that's just a spam bot spamming spamy links to cheap drugs, a dating service, or get rich quick schemes.

These Supernews sketches sums it up very nicely: Twoble with Twitter and Celebrity Twitter Overkill

FW: Due to the fact that micheal jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with him
- Eileen R.

BlogoholicA

"It’s just a bunny and you’re too fat, you couldn’t catch up with it anyway."

-Mugsy

Liz: Pull your own finger!
Bill: No, it doesn't work that way. What do you think happens when Baker pulls his own finger?
Liz: He poops?

Modern Parenting from Explosm.net:
http://www.explosm.net/comics/1652/

We all question our lot in life. I mean, why wouldn't we all want an asphalt field to park our cars on?

"Debbie does High Speed"
- A classic porno for the modern age

- J Mein

No, you've played WoWcrack since then. It's just been that long since you've played a REAL game...

OK, I'll admit it, WoW is a pretty kick-ass game. BUT IT SUCKS THAT THERE'S NO GOAL!!!!

GGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!

That was my Brazilian impersonation for the day.

Matt: OMG!!! That protesting Buddhist monk is trapped underneath a swingset!!!!!

me: lol

Matt: I didn't know they had swingsets in Vietnam.

me: or firetrucks full of American firemen floating down rivers?

Matt: Oh. I thought those were US Navy River-Rats in patrol boats. * looks closer * Yeah, you're right. That's a fire hose, not a .50 cal.

me: .50 cal? If you mistook a firehose for a gun, it's be more like a 90mm cannon...

Matt: Um...

...I'm blinded by broken-ankle-pain.

Main Entry: 1stu·pid·dity
Pronunciation: \stü-ped-ditty, styü-\
Function: noun, adjective, adverb, interjection, preposition, solliloque, proclamation
Etymology: Middle French stupide, from Latin stupidus, from stupēre

Stupidity – particularly the neonatal form – remains a significant public health problem throughout the world. There are about one million cases of Stupid reported worldwide annually, causing an estimated 300,000 to 500,000 Darwin Awards each year.

Would you like to know more?

-Paul

Sofaking?

I'm sofa king awesome.
- Rob W

Note to self : Don't say Spic 'N' Span in a kitchen full of Mexicans...

- Gabe Z

About 390,000 people listed their religion as Jedi in the 2001 Census for England and Wales. In Scotland the figure was a reported 14,000.

-{CB}Kitten Slayer

In a movie when people are about to do it, then it slowly pans away to the nightstand with candles on it, then fades to the candles all melted then slow pan back to the people and they already did it, I hate that!

- Jason Murphy

How come you park on a driveway and drive all over my mom?

-Matthew Bruce

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, yet it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
-Jason M

I should totally change my dj name to 'DJ Guest DJ' or 'DJ Special Guest'. I mean, who HASN'T heard of that guy?
- Gabe Z

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who always would say, "Ahhh fuck it..."
"...I just lost the game."
- Matt B