"If it's not sunny and 72 degrees outside, I'm probably pissed off."
- Pat S.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Transformers 2 is fucking cool, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Most carbon-based lifeforms are by now aware that the second theatrical release in the Transformers franchise is now showing. The majority of reactions I have heard/read in response to it have been overwhelmingly negative. To quote one of my friends, for example:
"If the first Transformers was Stan Bush, than the second is Dirk Diggler."
The following is my official review of Transformers 2: Reign Of The Phallus, or whatever the fuck it's called. It doesn't really matter. Everything about the movie, including the title, "plot", and characters, is just an excuse to show alien robots fighting. Please read on:
Dude. Seriously. What the fuck was everyone expecting from this movie? A complex, multifaceted plot with Shakespearean dialogue?
IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT A CARTOON AND TOY LINE FROM THE 1980s THAT FEATURED GIANT ROBOTS FROM SPACE THAT TURNED INTO CARS AND PLANES.
That's it! It's not a terribly involved premise. That's what this movie is about, and that's what we got. Two and a half hours of giant robots kicking the holy shit out of each other, with badass special effects and multiple shots of Megan Fox running in slow motion. The only type of people who aren't thoroughly entertained by this are limp-wristed pussies who sustain on a diet of soy lattes, drive a Toyota Prius, and sit around watching IFC all day.
IT IS AWESOME WHEN GIANT ROBOTS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. That's why Transformers 2 is fucking cool, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
"If the first Transformers was Stan Bush, than the second is Dirk Diggler."
The following is my official review of Transformers 2: Reign Of The Phallus, or whatever the fuck it's called. It doesn't really matter. Everything about the movie, including the title, "plot", and characters, is just an excuse to show alien robots fighting. Please read on:
Dude. Seriously. What the fuck was everyone expecting from this movie? A complex, multifaceted plot with Shakespearean dialogue?
IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT A CARTOON AND TOY LINE FROM THE 1980s THAT FEATURED GIANT ROBOTS FROM SPACE THAT TURNED INTO CARS AND PLANES.
That's it! It's not a terribly involved premise. That's what this movie is about, and that's what we got. Two and a half hours of giant robots kicking the holy shit out of each other, with badass special effects and multiple shots of Megan Fox running in slow motion. The only type of people who aren't thoroughly entertained by this are limp-wristed pussies who sustain on a diet of soy lattes, drive a Toyota Prius, and sit around watching IFC all day.
IT IS AWESOME WHEN GIANT ROBOTS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. That's why Transformers 2 is fucking cool, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
Toilet Texting
Please enjoy the following conversation that took place via text between myself and my buddy Scott, earlier this evening.
Scott (7:22 PM): I'm pooping while watching TV.
Me (7:22 PM): Hahahahahhaha I just got done pooping.
Scott (7:23 PM): Our bowels are in sync! We're true friends!
Me (7:25 PM): One day, mankind shall be united by their bowels; brothers in pooping. That is my dream.
Scott (7:27 PM): Your gods! You are truly a visionary!
Me (7:29 PM): THE SYMPHONY OF BILLIONS POOPING IN UNISON SHALL RING OUT AS THE UNIVERSAL SONG OF MAN! HAIL ODIN!
Scott (7:31 PM): And while everyone is busy pooping we take all their stuff!
Me (7:32 PM): Exactly.
Scott (7:22 PM): I'm pooping while watching TV.
Me (7:22 PM): Hahahahahhaha I just got done pooping.
Scott (7:23 PM): Our bowels are in sync! We're true friends!
Me (7:25 PM): One day, mankind shall be united by their bowels; brothers in pooping. That is my dream.
Scott (7:27 PM): Your gods! You are truly a visionary!
Me (7:29 PM): THE SYMPHONY OF BILLIONS POOPING IN UNISON SHALL RING OUT AS THE UNIVERSAL SONG OF MAN! HAIL ODIN!
Scott (7:31 PM): And while everyone is busy pooping we take all their stuff!
Me (7:32 PM): Exactly.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Crack Babies and Counter-Strike Babies
I present you a real article on somethingawful.com from 2001 with the above title:
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/crack-babies-counterstrike.php
Excerpts:
"As it turns out, nothing ever happened with these so-called crack babies. They didn't turn into a group of bloodthirsty serial killers bent on implementing their brutal reign of terror. They just grew up to be regular kids, albeit ones with much smaller heads and parents who spent all day scratching their eyes out with roofing nails."
"The process of growing up and supposedly "maturing" in a Counter-Strike environment has been scientifically proven to damage children's brain cells and developmental qualities."
-{CB}Spork, KittenSlayer, DethMetulPaul
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/crack-babies-counterstrike.php
Excerpts:
"As it turns out, nothing ever happened with these so-called crack babies. They didn't turn into a group of bloodthirsty serial killers bent on implementing their brutal reign of terror. They just grew up to be regular kids, albeit ones with much smaller heads and parents who spent all day scratching their eyes out with roofing nails."
"The process of growing up and supposedly "maturing" in a Counter-Strike environment has been scientifically proven to damage children's brain cells and developmental qualities."
-{CB}Spork, KittenSlayer, DethMetulPaul
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
FUCK TWITTER
Those are currently the two greatest CB Words of Wisdom.
Fuck Twitter. Fuck this self-serving, blowhart crap. Fuck all of these people who feel it neccessary to "micro-blog" about every mundane, god-damned incident and feeling in their lives like it's a fucking special event. Who the hell even reads this crap?
Also, fuck the celebutard universe and spam monkeys that have taken it over.
I joined Twitter about a month ago on an invite from Gabe. Cool, whatever, I've heard of it, why not? I added about four or five other people that I know, as well as Wierd Al's feed and Glen Beck (I think)
I've looked at it maybe four or five times since and seen PILES OF CRAP from the people that I know. Wierd Al at least just occasionaly posts links to new videos or progress on projects that fan might actualy find interesting. AND it opened the door to indirect spam! I get at least one notification a day of someone following me that's just a spam bot spamming spamy links to cheap drugs, a dating service, or get rich quick schemes.
These Supernews sketches sums it up very nicely: Twoble with Twitter and Celebrity Twitter Overkill
Fuck Twitter. Fuck this self-serving, blowhart crap. Fuck all of these people who feel it neccessary to "micro-blog" about every mundane, god-damned incident and feeling in their lives like it's a fucking special event. Who the hell even reads this crap?
Also, fuck the celebutard universe and spam monkeys that have taken it over.
I joined Twitter about a month ago on an invite from Gabe. Cool, whatever, I've heard of it, why not? I added about four or five other people that I know, as well as Wierd Al's feed and Glen Beck (I think)
I've looked at it maybe four or five times since and seen PILES OF CRAP from the people that I know. Wierd Al at least just occasionaly posts links to new videos or progress on projects that fan might actualy find interesting. AND it opened the door to indirect spam! I get at least one notification a day of someone following me that's just a spam bot spamming spamy links to cheap drugs, a dating service, or get rich quick schemes.
These Supernews sketches sums it up very nicely: Twoble with Twitter and Celebrity Twitter Overkill
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